VIP Confidential

In a South Florida nightlife scene filled with wannabe bigshots, over-inflated egos and drunk slurs, one man stands out as calm, level-headed, genuine and completely hilarious.
Text by Ilana Pregen Photo by Eddie Cruz | June 5, 2018 | People

Michael “Mike” Parenteau is a nightlife fixture around South Florida. Despite the inevitable problem patrons he encounters on occasion, he always aims to stay cool, calm and collected. Perhaps that’s because he spend 4 years of his life serving as a U.S. Army Ranger, an experience that taught him, above all else, patience. “It’s always a challenge having to deal with overly intoxicated people,” he says. “It’s not easy getting them to understand why they can’t come inside, why they’re getting kicked out or which bartender has their credit card.” Such are the woes of a velvet rope warrior. At least he has a sense of humor about it. Below, he shares some common faux pas far too many partiers are guilty of, and how he wishes he could respond if given the chance:

Partier: “I know the owner!…I just don’t have his number on me.”
Mike: “Yeah, so it looks like you know him but he doesn’t know you!”

Partier: “Hey, it’s just me and 6 other guys, what can you do for me?”
Mike: “Absolutely nothing! And if you guys aren’t buying a table, then it’s actually double the original price for admission.”

Partier: “How are bottles $300?! I can get the same bottle at the liquor store for $50!”
Mike: “I already see where this is going and I know if I stand here and explain to you why it costs this much, then it will be a complete waste of time for both of us.”

Partier: “I’ve partied in Vegas, L.A. and NYC and I’ve NEVER paid for prices this high!”
Mike: “Liar!!! If you’ve really partied in all those places, like you claim, then you’d be surprised at how low the prices are in South Florida for equal or better experiences.”

Partier: “The promoter said I have a free bottle but he’s not answering my text.”
Mike: “OK, how about I just give comped bottles to everyone in line?! Hey, listen up…free bottles, everybody!!!”

Partier: “That was my girlfriend and her friends that just got in. I’m with them!”
Mike: “Well…clearly they don’t care if you get in, so I would find a different girlfriend. She’s probably already dancing with some other guy.”