Zen Master
Before the sun even had a chance to rise this morning, this boss type went for a 10k run, a refreshing surf session, taught a yoga class and still made it to the office before you. You zone out when he lectures you about your bacon eggwich and tries to convert you to a cruelty-free diet long enough to remember him at the last holiday party getting hammered and eating an entire tray of sliders. He wants the whole team to volunteer for a ropes course during Ultra, oblivious to the fact that his millennial workforce will be stumbling in straight from the club. In meetings, you often find yourself having to close your eyes so you can visualize the sale…but in your mind all you picture is cutting off his man-bun on repeat. While the Tibetan singing bowl he bought you for your work anniversary was almost thoughtful, its repurposed role as keeper of your loose change suits it well. Don’t forget to mail him a letter of gratitude, because, as he would (and does) say: “It’s a lost art.”
Son, Er, Daughter Of A…
This leader in charge shares her last name with the firm, and at least once a week can be heard saying, “When my grandfather started this company.” She was the lucky sibling who drew the “easy road” straw and now her life’s mission is to make yours miserable. Her advice on how she was “once in your shoes” falls on deaf ears as we all know her Employee Of The Year plaque was just daddy handing her an early hand-me-down. Rather than doing some real work, she’s always comparing timesheets to surveillance video to make sure you’re not stealing seconds from her future trust fund. Never bring up her 2-hour lunches that leave her with martini breath the rest of the afternoon — that would be insubordination, and when it comes to that, she “just can’t.”
The Frisky Felix
This boss weaseled his way into management without attending a single harassment, discrimination or sensitivity course. He starts his day chatting up the ladies by the Nespresso machine, commenting on their style of choice for the day, never looking them in the eyes as he spits out his creepy compliments. While fashion isn’t really his thing, he finds curves appealing and can’t help himself from swerving out of his lane and directly into a #MeToo moment. Upper management watches on, hoping that Felix’s flavorless affronts don’t turn into an HR crisis. Is this creeper a keeper? Only time will tell, but he won’t be winning any “Mr. Congeniality” awards anytime soon…“Mr. Congenital” is more like it. #ByeFelicio.
Frat For Life
More often than not, you find yourself yawning while out on the umpteenth impromptu happy hour this week just so your balding overgrown frat boy of a boss can chalk up an excuse to avoid going home to his family. Our third receptionist this year was recruited at last month’s all-you-can-drink afterhours adventure at his fave hole-in-the-wall, and he swears her “extensive experience” as a VIP bottle service waitress makes her an asset. There’s an office pool to see if we can break last year’s record of random new hires, and Destiny just upped the odds. Last week’s checks never got signed because his friend’s private jet to Coachella wasn’t waiting another second for Flounder, and even though he made you drive him to the airport he was too busy in the back seat lining up his connect in Palm Springs. He always asks about your buddy who gave him free chicken wings once, and oddly, he wants to know when your sister is coming home from college. What are they Snapchat friends or something??? Bro, you’re like pushing 40, right?!
Boss Baby
Corporate is testing a new strategy to reach the influencers. You’ve got a decade of experience on this kid straight out of Pampers U but he’s got a degree in snap filters FTW. The closest he’s come to managing a team is leading an alliance in World Of Warcraft and now he’s over his head in real-life trolls. Fret not Frodo, he’s read 6 books on management styles and even took an online course, it’s time to crown him king. Hit Speed Dial #1 on his phone to reach his mommy, she was last seen chatting up the break room while dropping off brownies for all his new friends, and, of course, to pick up his laundry. The real reason you hate him is that he got into Bitcoin in 2010 and sold last year, clearing 7 figures, which means you need this job much more than he does.
