Fitness Finesse

Keeping that year-round beach bod and the perfect BMI in Miami is vital…but make sure you’re only hitting the gym to workout on the machines instead of working on everyone’s last nerve.
Text by Zak Mann | June 27, 2018 | Lifestyle

Lift & Gawk
You can do side bends and sit-ups, but please don’t stare too long! That awkward arm stretch you’re doing makes it way too obvious that you’re just scanning the gym for hotties. Did you really just sit down on the thigh master between a pair of perfect 10s? They caught your ogling but your stare burns more than their abs. If your eye contact isn’t met with a grin, just bare it, multiple reps aren’t going to strengthen their heart. Throw in the towel and focus on your own WOD, there’s a good chance they already have a training partner and just took their bling off for the set. Please play harder to get, it’s definitely working for them. 

Say Geeze!
Some people would rather build followers than muscles. Today’s Insta-story is an homage to Olivia Newton-John’s Let’s Get Physical music video. While the natural light, hi-tech gear and your new athleisure suit make for a tempting remix of her video, don’t confuse the use of the word “SET.” Remember the un-hired “extras” are off the clock and the newbie in your background would be mortified if they were livestreamed to your 2k followers. If you must stay relevant, make sure your shot is tighter than Jane Fonda’s Spanx. Since those sponsored posts aren’t paying the bills and you insist on going to the gym during primetime, please yield to all the actual users. By the way, we all suspect what your followers and body parts may have in common: They were both paid for! 

Sweaty Butterfly
We’ve all seen the social butterfly flutter from one machine to the next but never touch a weight, the sole purpose of going to the gym for these extroverts is to socialize, or to catch up on calls. Your Beats By Dre headphones are working double time to block out the Top 40 the gym is blaring and the marathon their mouth is running — the hot air expelling from their lips is feeling like a shvitz in the sauna. Guilty? Save the good gossip for brunch and quit complaining about why you’re not seeing any results, nobody has the heart to tell you the only thing you’re working out is everyone’s last nerve.

Smell You Later
Dri-FIT can only keep you cool for so long and there’s a threshold on the acceptable level of sweat smell we’re able to tolerate. Trying to defend yourself by saying you only use natural products only works if your pores weren’t oozing with last night’s vodka/Redbull marathon. Also cut the Axe, cologne and perfume, that aroma is no therapy to the rest of the gym. Trust me, if we wanted to be deprived of oxygen, we’d wear those training masks the Olympic team touts. Timing your meals is important, too, especially when your third set of burpees has that protein shake you downed on the ride over bubbling in your stomach. Carefully lunge to a safe place to depressurize or you’ll have the entire gym wishing you were at the bottom of the lap pool.

Asian woman workout body builder in sport fitness gym.

Hog It Out
A lease on a brick wall-facing studio got her into the building’s gym and now she thinks she runs the joint. She’ll tap you on the shoulder just as you’re about to start running to point out the tiny trinket she placed on the tray claiming that’s her machine. Wasn’t she on the step climber as you walked over? Are there two of her? Her gym bag contents are sprawled out over the room like a yard sale…but don’t you dare touch a single sweatband or you may get a dumbbell to the foot. No way she’s letting you work-in since her sets are timed to the international atomic clock. Don’t expect a courteous wipe down, either, in the eyes of this machine hog, that’s your job.