Bond
What you had with your spouse until you pawned his golf clubs or sold her car to invest in questionable stock.
Bull Market
A market condition that traditionally occurs the day after you have sold off all of your investments.
Commission
The only guaranteed way to make money in the stock market, which is why all brokerage houses charge one.
Day Trader
An employee who is disloyal to his boss from 9:30 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Monday thru Friday.
Dividend
A sum of money, determined by the company’s directors, paid to shareholders to keep them calm.
Financial Planner
The guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the local convenience store for toilet paper and M&Ms.
Ratings Agency
A group of professional entertainers who amuse themselves by relating absurd and fantastical tales.
Real Estate Bubble
A fiscal prerequisite for the proper functioning of a Western economy.
Statistics
1. The science of producing unreliable facts from reliable figures. 2. The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions.
Taxes
Death and taxes are life’s two certainties. Taxes is the only one for which you can get an extension.
