We love our pooches and we’d like to believe we understand their every glance, bark, yelp and growl. But when we asked “Morgan The Dachshund” to write this article, we realized there’s more to his quirky behaviors than just pure, unfiltered love and adoration.
Text by Morgan Lindsey | May 28, 2018 | Lifestyle

1. When I’m looking at you with love-filled eyes…I know I can bend you to my will if I stare long enough and use canine mind control!

2. As I spin around excitedly when you grab the car keys, I’m really thinking: “Woo hoo! Let’s ditch the dog park to go for a ride through the Pollo Tropical drive-in!”

3. If you find me faithfully following you around the house, I’m patiently letting you know I need to know when you’re planning to go to work so I can get busy napping in the laundry basket.

4. If you see me hiding behind you when another dog is near, I’m secretly saying: “Hey scary dog, eat the pinkbutt, not me!”

5. All those times you find me sprawled upside-down on your bed should serve as a reminder that you may have thumbs, but I have the good life!

6. If you catch me stalking through the bushes, I’m going to find a lizard to bring inside to watch you scream.

7. Sometimes I’ll be staring up at you while you eat in disbelief. And you say I could stand to lose a few pounds??? Slow down, chomper.

8. Whenever I’m catching the breeze at the beach or dog park, I can feel my Wolf Sense kicking in the second I spot prey. Or it could just be the mouthwatering smell from the neighbor’s BBQ.

9. Sniffing your crotch is no biggie; I’ve seen you dance naked…I just don’t get how you ended up on top of the food chain!

10. Snuggling next to you on the couch and giving a big sigh shows I love you. You’re my best friend, my hero and the love of my life — you’re my entire universe! I may get sassy sometimes (and gassy), but I’ll love you with every (doggy) breath I take, now and forever.

› Morgan Lindsey is a Longhaired Miniature Dachshund. He is a rescue who works as a Service Dog, visiting hospitals to cheer people up (and slurp their Jell-O when they aren’t looking). When he’s not authoring witty columns, he loves entering doggy Halloween costume contests as Captain Jack Sparrow.