Oh, I bet you have one of these in your friend squad! They will display shock and bewilderment when you mention being hungry. Their facial gesticulations are usually perfectly choreographed with long pauses and word enunciation: Oh. My. Heavens. Youuuuu are huuungrrrrry again?! We just ate, like…5 hours ago! To which you could only possibly question your abnormal food intake, and gluttonous antics. More often than not, these folks are busy-bee errand-runners who forget to eat at regular intervals in between to-do lists. Fast-forward to the second the food arrives and “I’m Really Not That Hungry” devours it in one swift swoop while ordering a few more things so they can fill up “for the road.”
This little lady, or lad, seems to take an almost masochistic delight in listing all the things they can’t possibly ingest, while informing you of all the toxins, pesticides, hormones, and, yes, even infectious diseases, you just ordered. From the hazards of not having an alkaline diet, to the terror of gluten, to the conspiracy behind the Girl Scouts and their mind-controlling cookies, this type of eater is all-seeing. Spending time with them in the presence of food usually means you’ll want to dash home to cry, binge-eat and stream 5 seasons of whatever you can find on Netflix or Amazon.
They’ve been waiting for the moment to get you all to themselves. You would like to order a nice meal, perhaps a drink to accompany the fare and enjoy a relaxing night, but this Chatty Cathy/Carlos has other plans for you. They don’t particularly care as much about gastronomy as they do about having your focused, undivided attention. When you go in for the appetizer, they spring into action with a deluge of questions, or a full reenactment of all the issues, highlights and obstacles their week entailed. If you get a second to breathe, or a moment of reflection, savor it as much as your main course — it won’t be happening again until after dessert.
When this type of eater puts fork (or spoon) to mouth, an orchestra of dissonance ensues. You’ve probably had to endure this “hungry as a horse and sounds like one too” diner at some point in your life. This person munches, chews, crunches, slurps, smacks and swallows food set before them like a ravenous animal. The sound-effects that accompany the drama-riddled showdown tend to be at full volume. Some food might go flying, and a tooth might be picked, because decorum is not at the top of their list. And of course, these phonetically inclined folks are completely oblivious to their obnoxious eating habits. As you try to enjoy your meal, you have to sit and listen to them devour theirs.
Holding a special place in gastronomic purgatory, there are diners who always want everyone to know they are dissatisfied. Yes, sometimes it’s in hopes of getting freebies, but in most cases, they just get a kick out of being difficult. The dish is too cold, too hot, not hot enough, the order is wrong. They’ll send a dish back until everyone gives up; nothing will ever appease them, and not even a 10-star experience will satiate their need to complain and cause a ruckus. When in their presence, it’s always a good idea to discretely mouth “I’m soooooo sorry” to the server. At least you’ll get to enjoy your meal in peace!